Talk about Your Own Mistakes before Criticizing the Other Person

Talk about Your Own Mistakes First

1. "She was susceptible to improvement"
2. It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
3. Somehow this word doesn't look right. It's one of the words I always have had trouble with.
4. If you forget to praise before you condemn, do the next best thing. Praise after you criticize.
5. Talk about your own shortcomings and the superiority of the other person.
6. Admitting one's own mistakes-even when one hasn't corrected them-can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
7. A good leader follows this principle

The Handy Principle

We cannot wait for great visions from great people, for they are in short supply... It is up to us to light our own small fires in the darkness. - Charles Handy

Call Attention to People's Mistakes Indirectly

How to Criticize - And Not Be Hated for It

1. They admired Charles Schwab because he said nothing about breaking the rules and gave them a little present and made them feel important.
2. Wanamaker didn't say a word. Quietly slipping behind the counter, he waited on the woman himself and then handed the purchase to the salespeople to be wrapped as he went on his way.
3. The mayor has had a truly open-door administration since the day his door was symbolically thrown away.
4. Simply changing one three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.
5. Many people begin their critisim with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. The person would feel encourage up until they heard the word "but". Then they may question the sincerity of the original praise.
6. This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and". "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.
7. There was no inference of failure. We merely call his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly, and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.
8. Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
9. After cleaning the yard herself, she said "I'm really pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night; it is nice and clean and does not offend the neighbors." From that day forward the workers picked up and piled the debris to one side....
10. "Gentlemen, you are leaders" You will be most effective when you lead by example. You know what the regulations say about... The result was predictable.
11. She merely remarked that it would make an excellent article for the North American Review. She praised it and at the same time subtly suggested that it wouldn't do as a speech.

Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation

If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin

1. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
2. A barber lathers a man before he shaves him
3. My friend, that is a splendid speech, a magnificent speech! No one could have prepared a better one. There are many occassions on which it would be precisely the right thing to say, but...
4. Lincoln wrote to one of his generals, "There are some things in regard to which I am not quite satisfied with you."
5. "Do you know that you are the only person in Brooklyn with your name?"
6. Think about the desired result before choosing the hammer and dynamite method.
7. I praised her for being so friendly and outgoing with the customers and complimented her for the accuracy and speed used in that work. I then suggested ....
8. Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.

Begin in a friendly way

A Drop of Honey

1. If your temper is aroused and you tell’em a thing or two, you will have a fine time unloading your feelings. But what about the other person?
2. “If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,’ we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”
3. Speak of pride and friendship, common interests and courtesy
4. Isn’t that a superb example of the fine art of making friends out of enemies
5. If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom. Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.
6. “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince hi that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.” Lincoln
7. Daniel Webster used powerful arguments such as, “It will be for the jury to consider”, “This may, perhaps, be worth thinking of,” and “You, with your knowledge of human nature, will easily see the significance of these facts.”
8. No bulldozing. No high-pressure methods. No attempt to force his opinions on others. Webster used the soft-spoken, quiet, friendly approach, and it helped to make him famous.
9. A friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach is always the best way to win
10. The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach, and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
11. Remember Lincoln’s words, “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Dramatize your ideas

The movies do it. TV Does it. Why don’t you do it?

1. This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating the truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.
2. Use SHOWMANSHIP
3. I applied this principle during my course at the Dale Carnegie Institute. We were asked to give a two minute speech on something that we wanted to teach the class. My lesson was on this principle. I had brought my guitar to the class that day. When I was called up for my turn, I took my guitar with me. I sat down in the chair and informed the class that I was not going to be teaching them how to play the guitar. Instead, I was going to instruct them that to learn a skill, you must be patient and apply the skill diligently everyday. In fact, it shouldn't take anymore than a couple minutes a day to learn the human relation principles of Dale Carnegie. Today, I learned Principle 19: Dramatize your ideas. I will be applying this principle during this speech so that the class will have an indelible image in their mind of this principle. Man with Guitar. I began to strum my instrument, pausing being statements. In all, my two-minute speech consisted of only 30 seconds of actual words. The rest was music and dramatic pauses. In fact, I dramatized my speech so well that the class was mesmorized and exploded into applause when I was finished. If I had not already received the Outstanding Performance Award, I would have received it again. I have no question.

Appeal to the Nobler Motives

An Appeal That Everybody Likes

1. A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
2. All of us, being idealist at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
3. For after all, we are either men or monkeys – and the choice usually lies within ourselves.
4. Experience has taught me that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, only convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.

Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires

What Everybody Wants

1. Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?
2. Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
3. Sympathize with people… they are as we would be under similar conditions.
4. There, but for the grace of God, go I
5. Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
6. Don’t be a fool – control your temper.
7. Apologize, thank the person for pointing out your mistake, sympathize with their point of view, return kindness… and have a jolly good time making the other person like you.
8. “Sympathy the human species craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruises, related their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self Pit’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.” Dr. Arthur I. Gates Educational Psychology.
9. So if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put in practice… Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.